When two females come together and they are attracted to one another, their emotions are unyielding.
I communicate with a lot of people who struggle with homosexuality. Some of these people I’ve met through Twitter or Facebook or friends that I already had who had no idea about my sexuality until I posted it on all of my social media sites. Through all of this communicating with people, male and female I had only developed one friendship. This friend is a male and though we don’t talk like we used to he is the only person that our communication went beyond networking and ministry to friendship. Over time I have attracted a lot of males who battle with their sexuality. I had not attracted any female friendships. Until recently.
She started sending me messages on Facebook one day and we began to chat daily. During the conversation she said that she would feel better if she could speak to me verbally. At this I had to pause. For me, voice has always been a trigger when it comes to women. Most of my relationships with women were long distance relationships that survived off steamy late night conversations over the telephone. Years ago I claimed deliverance and then my ex called me and upon hearing her voice I fell right back into her arms. I had all of those thoughts circulating in my brain and I told her that I didn’t think that I could give her my phone number at that moment. She said that she understood, but she didn’t. She was really upset because she felt rejected.
As I thought on it I began to pray and ask for God’s guidance. Then I realized that I can’t simply make the gift in me unavailable to women that I find attractive. Ministry calls for me to work through those things and remain professional and focused on the tasks at hand. When I realized those things I told her that if she needed to talk that I would like to give her a call. But she said no, she was already hurt.
We continued to message each other and got to know one another’s likes and dislikes. Inside of me I could feel the emotional vibe that her conversation carried. There exists an intangible force of emotion between two women who are lesbians or contending with same sex attractions. I could feel it in the way that she worded her sentences. I could feel it in the moments of silence as she typed. I could feel it but I couldn’t explain it. She never came out and said that she was beginning to like me as more than a friend and I don’t even know if she had thought that far. But I could feel it. If you’re not a lesbian you may have no idea what I mean when I say ‘vibe.’ Think of it this way, ponder on how women are perceived as being the nurturing and loving and gentle sex that are full of love and vulnerability and emotions. Now put two of those women together and know that they are attracted to one another. Thus the emotional vibe takes form.
She told me how sour her previous friendship with a woman had gone because she developed feelings for her friend. Her friend was delivered from homosexuality as she was and when her friend learned of her growing feelings for her, she took a step back. This story also put me on alert. I really did like her. I thought that she was very sweet. But I couldn’t help but sense that something more has happening in the atmosphere. Something in my head was saying, its only a matter of time before you give her your phone number and you two begin to talk on the phone every night. It’s only a matter of time before you start to develop feelings for her and then you’ll be trapped. You might as well give up because there is no way that you can win or fight this.
The enemy was laying it on thick. Part of me started to think that I was going to loose. I was fighting a ghost that I couldn’t see. Landing punches in the air and never hitting my target. But God. Interrupted. Her. Sleep.
The next afternoon she sent me messages saying that she realized that talking on the phone would not be a wise thing for us. She said that when we communicated it was usually late at night in which she and I would both be in our beds, creating an all too familiar scene from her past. She thanked me for standing my ground and not agreeing to talk on the telephone. I had a lot to say. I explained to her all of the feelings and vibes that I was getting. I explained again that she was the first female “like us” to befriend me and I was being extra careful and cautious. I told her many more things, concerns for her sexuality and spirituality and even my own weakness. By the end of the conversation it was decided that we would take some time apart for prayer and seeking God.
After that conversation I felt the WEIGHT of God’s grace, mercy, spirit, power and peace and it left me speechless. All of this occurred over the span of a few weeks. I am a week away from sharing my testimony for the first time with the youth at my church and the enemy was BUSY, trying to pull me down and distract me from my purpose. I made it only by His grace. He protected me as I slept. He watched me as I fought my flesh and thoughts. He saw the punches that I threw in the air. He saw the pot holes that I carefully stepped around. He saw my efforts and He showed up on my behalf. He showed the enemy the wounds that the nails left in His hands, a reminder that He died for me. He cut Satan’s plots against us and blinded him with His glory! He moved in her and showed her the errors. And now I pray with tenacity for her strength. I pray with authority for her transformation. I pray with confidence for my continued strength in times of trouble. And most of all, I pray with true thanksgiving in my heart for His protective and saving power.
Friend, it doesn’t matter if you’re a lesbian or a gay man. If you’re struggling and you want to leave homosexuality, change your circles. Sometimes you will have to cut people off if they are going to keep you from evolving. That’s not just with sexuality, that’s in life in general. If you are delivered be aware of your triggers. Always be honest with yourself and God. Don’t ever shut God out of your feelings. Tell Him what you are feeling. Acknowledge what’s wrong and trust Him to provide the way of escape for you. Always be mindful. Bless you.